The Lazy HouseHusband – Reflections Of A Stay-At-Home Dad!

Being a househusband has its privileges.

Like being able to tease my kids … a lot!

Now, I realize that teasing your own children is something that all regular, idiot dads do. It’s built into our Dad DNA. We can’t help it. We are compelled to do things that make our kids roll their eyes around in their sockets, make pouting faces, and go “Daa-aad!”

What makes being a househusband and a stay-at-home dad so special for me, however, is that since I am the one who is responsible for getting the kids up and ready for school in the mornings, I get to tease them when they’re most sleepy, vulnerable and prone to irritation. And I get to do it everyday.

Take this morning, for instance.

Corporate Babe was in the shower, getting ready for work. What perfect timing. Knowing she couldn’t hear a thing with all that water splashing down, I crawled out of bed and headed straight for Filosofo’s room.

I entered quietly and looked down at my soporific 11-year old son. The sun was shining brightly through the window, streaming a beam of intense light and heat directly onto his face, yet this did not bother him a bit.

“Come on Fi … time to wake up,” I said gently.

Nothing happened.

“Come on, it’s time to get up,” I spoke a little bit louder. “We’re going to be late for school.”

Filosofo lay there still. Immovable. Unstirring. Sun shining right into his face. How do they do this?

“Oh well … I tried!” I said. I then bent down closer to his ear and burst into song using a special loud, obnoxious and strangulated voice I reserve for moments such as these.

OH BABY, I’M SLEEPING LIKE A LOG,
WHO CARES IF IT’S A SCHOOL DAY MAMA,
DUDE I’M JUST GONNA KEEP ON SLEEPING, RIGHT ON YEAH,
WITH THE SUN SHI-I-I-NING BRIGHTLY ON MY FA-ACE, OH LORD YEAH!

THE SUN SHINING BRI-I-I-I-IGHTLY ON MY FA-ACE …

“Sto-o-op!!” He groans. Groggily annoyed, he turns away from my singing and buries his head under the pillow.

OH BABY, I’M JUST GONNA KEEP SLEEPING LIKE A LOG … YEAH,
COZ NOW MY HEAD IS BURIED IN THE PILLOW AND I’M ALL NICE AND COZY IN THE DARK … OH YEAH,
BUT I REALLY NEED TO PEE, SWEET MAMA … OH HOW I NEED TO PEE,
YEAH I’M BUSTING TO PEE AND I CAN’T HOLD IT IN ANY LONGER … NO SWEET LORD … I GOTTA PEE SO BAD, SO BAD I TELL YA,
PISH, PISH, PISH, OH HOW I WISH I COULD KEEP ON SLEEPING BUT IF I DON’T GET UP RIGHT NOW I’M GONNA WET MY BED … COZ I’M A BUSTIN’ AND I REALLY NEED TO PEE
OH BOY I REALLY NEED TO PEE SO BADLY, PISH, PISH PISH, WHY AM I DREAMING OF WATERFALLS, AND RIVERS, AND OCEAN WAVES, AND GARDEN STATUES PEEING IN FOUNTAINS, AND WHY AM I TURNING ON ALL THE TAPS IN THE HOUSE, AND LOTS OF WATER IS POURING DOWN FROM THE FRONT OF MY PEE-JAMA PANTS, YEAH BABY …

“Oh Daa-aad! You’re so annoying!” Filosofo grunts, finally getting out of bed and heading straight for the toilet to empty his bursting bladder.

One down, two more victims to go.

Corporate Babe is now out of the shower. She didn’t hear me taunting my eldest son, so I switch to a sweet hymn as I walk past her down the corridor towards the room where the two youngest boys are still sleeping, but not for long … he, he!

Oh Boys, How I Adore Thee,
Oh Boys, How I Adore Thee,
You Are The Sweetest Kids Of All,
And We Love Thee …

A few minutes later, the kids are all sitting around the kitchen table staring down blankly and silently into their cereal bowls, while Corporate Babe and I are singing and praising their virtues.

I am making their school lunch. Corporate Babe is in the next room ironing her clothes.

“Aren’t these the most wonderful kids ever?” I shout out, loud and proud. Corporate Babe agrees.

“Can I make you a cheese and mouse whiskers sandwich?” I ask Exacto. I know he doesn’t like cheese in his sandwiches.

“Daa-aad!”

Bingo. We’re on for round 2.

“Oh Babe … how can we keep them sweet and wonderful for ever?” I ask my wife when she walks past me buttoning up her shirt. She head over to the kitchen table and gives all the boys morning hugs and kisses.

“They will always be sweet and wonderful” she replies. Destructo snuggles into his Mom, hoping to steal a few more seconds of sleep.

“Just like me, huh?” I ask her. She rolls her eyes and says nothing.

“Oh well … I guess that’s what happens when kids grow up!” I say.

“How about a cheese and butterfly wings sandwich?” I ask Exacto, who is staring blankly at the back of the Coco Pops cereal box.

Exacto snaps momentarily out of whatever daydream he’s been having and completely ignores my menu suggestion.

“What happens when kids grow up?” He asks.

I didn’t say that’s what happens when kids grow up. I said that’s what happens when kids throw up!”

“Daa-aad … you did not say that!” Destructo protests, pulling his head away from his mother’s bosom.

Three out of Three. Gotch’em!

“Say what?” Corporate Babe chimes in.

“I said … that’s what happens when kids blow up!”

“Daa-aad!”

Ha! Now they’re all enrolled in my little taunting game. It’s still early morning and I have barely gotten started.

Corporate Babe leaves the room with her laptop under one arm, and the rest of her clothes draped over the other arm. I watch her bum disappear through the door.

Time to switch tactics and take it up another notch. I start singing softly …

Little scurrying ant,
Carrying that big crumb,
Little scurrying ant,
Don’t fall on your big … la la la!

“Daa-aad!” Destructo blurts out. “You are not allowed to swear!”
“I didn’t swear.”
“You did! You were going to say BUM!”
“I never said BUM! I don’t say the word BUM! I never, ever use words like BUM! Ever!!”
“Daa-aad .. you just said it!”
“No I didn’t say BUM. You said BUM. I don’t say BUM. I don’t even know the word BUM.”
“Daa-aad!”
“What? I … Don’t … Say … The … Word … BUM! It’s rude to say BUM! Now finish eating your Coco Pops! BUM.”
“Daa-aad! You just said it again!”
“What … what did I say?”
“You said BUM.”
“Hey!” I say reproachfully. “Please don’t use the word BUM in this house again! It’s rude to say words like BUM and you shouldn’t say BUM in front of your older brothers. Don’t say BUM in front of them, don’t say BUM in front of MUM, and never say BUM in front of me, because I never, ever say BUM. BUM BUM BUM It’s DUM DUM DUM. Now hurry up and eat your Coco BUMs – I mean Coco Pops, or we’ll be late for BUM … I mean school!”
“Daa-aad!” He is laughing so hard, it’s hard to keep a straight face.

Little scurrying ant,
Carrying that big crumb,
Little scurrying ant,
Don’t fall on your big … la la la!

“Daa-aad!”

And so it goes all the way from the kitchen to the car.

Now we’re in the car, driving to school. Filosofo and Exacto are absorbed reading a book. Destructo is playing with one of his stuffed toys. Probably “Little Lion”, or “Peed On Pork Chop Piggy”.

This is my last chance to squeeze a little more “irk juice” out of the kids. I reach into my pocket and pull out a single little LEGO brick I picked up off the floor as I was walking down the stairs and heading for the car on our way out. Without taking my eyes off the road, I stretch my arm behind me towards the backseat where my youngest son is sitting and humming, and proffer the little plastic brick.

“Hey … you want to play with some LEGO?”

“Daa-aad! That’s just one piece of LEGO. You can’t do anything with it!”

“Of course you can! You can build lots and lots of amazing things with just one single LEGO brick. Spaceships, castles with drawbridges and crocodile infested moats, Quantum Drive Transmogrificators …”

“Daa-aad! You can’t do any of those things!”

“Now boys … have I ever told you about how when I was a kid, we were so poor, that all I ever had to play with was just two little small potatoes? I would spend hours and hours playing with those two little small potatoes, making all kinds of the most amazing and incredible things you can’t even imagine. And that was just two little potatoes.  Now … If only I had had a single little LEGO brick like this one to combine with the potatoes …”

“DAA-AAD! S-T-O-O-O-OP!!”

A long time ago, one of the mothers at my kids’ school suggested we carpool and take turns driving our children. Less than two weeks later, all three of my kids complained about the arrangement. They said they really missed not having me drive them to school in the mornings, even if my jokes were really bad and I was so annoying. I was deeply touched.

Being a househusband does have its privileges.

The Lazy Househusband

We’re only a few days away now from the end of the school holidays. What seemed like a daunting task six weeks ago – keeping three highly energetic children fed, happy and entertained for a month and a half – is coming so quickly to an end, that I can only describe what I am currently feeling as a mixture of tremendous “grief” with a deep sense of gratitude.

I grieve the fact that I will never see my kids again as I have seen them all this summer. In a few months Filosofo will turn 10, Exacto 7 and Destructo 5. All three will be at school full-time soon and my time with them will be just a distant, happy memory in the years to come.

It’s the little things they say and do now that I will grieve the most when they move on to the next phase of growth and development. Destructo’s favorite color will soon no longer be “lello” but yellow, and he will stop referring to the little dots on his chest as his “nibbles”.

Exacto has the brilliant mind of an engineer. I am afraid that the more he unravels the way the universe works, the more he will see that the fantastic ideas and inventions I share with him are quite unrealizable. Like the button on the dashboard of my car that allows us to fly over other cars and avoid getting stuck in traffic jams. He no longer buys my look of surprise when I press the button and, instead of the car flying like a rocket through the air, the radio starts playing instead, and I then have to feign mock anger and start cursing the auto technician who forgot to install the “flying rocket” button. Nor does he believe anymore that I can get R2D2 from Star Wars to say hello whenever we exit the motorway and the electronic tag on the car beeps to confirm that I have paid the toll. Soon he will give me the same look of disdain that I get from his older brother. I just hope he never stops saying “Thank you Daddy … I love you!” whenever I give him something simple that he wants, like a glass of milk, or a chocolate cookie.

I also grieve deeply for Filosofo. Soon, in the blink of an eye, he will morph into a teenager and I have no idea what will happen then. I know that I will probably beat myself up for having been so preoccupied with my own thoughts about finances, business and other matters that seem so important to me now, that I frequently cut him short when he tries to tell me (without taking a breath between sentences) how the entire universe of computer games like “Civilization” or “The Age Of Mythology” is structured and how all the various characters are interrelated, what powers they do or do not have and so on. I dread to think that someday I might have to prompt him to talk to me only to discover that he is too preoccupied with his own thoughts to engage in a conversation with his Dad.

Right now, however, I feel truly, deeply grateful that I am the guy who looks after my kids and the one who got to be with them all throughout the school holidays. I am grateful that I stuck to my decision at the end of last year that I was not going to prioritize working on my businesses, and that I was going to be available to my children for the entire six week holiday period.

Corporate Babe only got ten days annual leave before she had to be back at work, so during her time off, we took the kids to the beach, where they swam and played in the waves and in the sand until sunset. After my wife returned to work, I set up an above ground portable swimming pool in our backyard for them to splash around in, took them to parks, organized play dates with many of their friends and, during the days we just lazed around at home, sat down to watch movies or play Wii games with them.

I spent the holidays with my kids. This makes me feel like a very lucky and privileged man. Some of the moms I met up with during the holidays told me they really wished their husbands could have taken more time off work to do what I was doing and I wish they could have too. Being with my boys this summer was a precious gift and made me realize how truly grateful I am for the opportunity I have of being a househusband and a stay-at-home dad. This year I plan to embrace the responsibilities of this role a lot more fully than I have ever done.

In a few days, my kids will go back to school and my special time with them will be mostly confined to car trips to and from school, a couple of hours in the afternoon and early evening, and weekends. This will be great too, as I am also looking forward to achieving some of my long-term business goals this year, and will have a few uninterrupted hours each day in which to do my work.

The car trips to and from school, however, are very special for me. I discovered this last year, when one of the moms at school suggested we try car pooling our kids. She offered to pick up my three boys and drive them to school in the morning, and I reciprocated by picking up her three boys and driving them home in the afternoon.

Although this seemed like a good idea and an efficient way of doing things for us parents at the time, the kids didn’t seem too happy about it. They probably felt like they were just being “bussed” around. After a week or so, my kids turned to me and asked if we were going to be doing this forever. When I asked them what was wrong, they told me that they really missed just being with me in the car. They missed me telling them jokes and stories that made them laugh, and singing them silly made-up songs, like “Say Please To Cheese And Tickle A Pickle”.

After they told me this, I immediately canceled the car pooling arrangement with the other mom. I am happy now to just be the singing fool who takes his kids to school and back.

Tomorrow, Corporate Babe and I celebrate being married for 16 years and my kids are really excited about it. Filosofo has been insisting for the past week that we go to The Cheesecake Shop and pick up a Chocolate Jamaican Cheesecake. When I asked him why this was so important given the fact that he doesn’t like cake, he said he was planning a surprise cake for our wedding anniversary

Anyway, Corporate Babe and I plan to celebrate our 16th wedding anniversary by taking the kids to our favorite local chinese restaurant for dinner, then maybe spending a little quiet time together after we come home and put the children to bed.

Say please to cheese(cake), eat oodles of noodles, and tickle a pickle!

The Lazy HouseHusband

It’s been almost two weeks since Corporate Babe went away on an overseas business trip. Naturally, the kids and I miss her a lot and we are looking forward to seeing her again tomorrow when she comes home.

In these past two weeks, I have come to realize the greatest challenge I face as a househusband and stay-at-home dad. I suppose I should really start by explaining the circumstances that brought about this realization.

As soon as my wife left, the children started their school holidays. And as soon as my kids started their school holidays, they all got sick. At one point, I even had to take Destructo, my 4-year old, to the hospital, where he was diagnosed with croup and had to be given treatment and was kept under observation all night in the children’s ward.

Not only were the kids sick throughout their school holidays, but it also rained incessantly during all this time, which meant we had to spend all of this time indoors.

My mental state during this time didn’t help things either. I have been feeling depressed for quite some time now due to several things and was unable to go to sleep while my wife was away. As a result of this, I have stayed up at night during these past two weeks, watching rented DVD movies on my computer until 2, 3 and even occasionally 4:00 am. To make things even worse, my mother has been calling me every day or so to report on the condition of one of her dogs which has been recently diagnosed with lymphoma.

Even though I decided I would do little to no work on my businesses while Corporate Babe was away and the children were on holidays, I ended up spending most of my time isolating inside my office at home, staring at nothing too important on my computer while the children sat in another part of the house watching DVDs on one of our other computers, or played by themselves in the living room. And when I did come out of my room, I found myself clutching the thick book of collected science fiction stories by Arthur C. Clarke that I borrowed from the local library (incidentally, Arthur Clarke died the week I borrowed his book!).

Absorbed in my book then, I did occasionally sit with my kids, but I wasn’t really participating in their world. I was isolating in mine.

All of the above contributed to the problem, but the one single event that helped me realize the greatest challenge I face as a househusband and stay-at-home dad, happened one night after dinner.

I mentioned in an earlier post that I set a rule when my wife went away that the kids were only allowed to ask for McDonald’s three times during the entire two week period of their school holidays. I am happy to report that we all adhered to this rule. It did mean, however, that I would have to figure out 11 other dinner meals for the kids during this time that did not involve driving through the golden arches.

And so, one night while shopping for groceries with the children at the local supermarket, I decided that I would make them a homemade spaghetti bolognese. I picked up a packet of durum wheat spaghetti, a can of crushed tomatoes and half a kilo of freshly minced meat.

As I was walking through the aisles, I suddenly came across a can of ready-made spaghetti meat sauce. Just heat the can and serve over the pasta! I looked at the can and its promise of quick, easy nutritious convenience, and then I looked at my shopping trolley and thought about all the work I’d have to put into making the meat sauce from scratch. In the end, I figured out that the can of ready made sauce cost less than a third of the cost of buying the mince meat and crushed tomatoes, and so I decided to go with the cheaper and more convenient option.

This was a big mistake and I should have seen it coming. As I sat there looking at my kids laboring disappointedly through their “awful-tasting” dinner, their faces unable to hide their displeasure and disgust at having to eat what is normally one of their favorite meals (“this doesn’t taste at all like mommy’s s’ghetti!” Exacto exclaimed revulsively!), tears of shame, guilt and sadness started pouring down my face.

That’s when I realized that the greatest challenge I face as a househusband and stay-at-home dad, is that not only do my kids – like all children – need an adult to look after them properly, but I do too.

As a man in his early forties, I need to say goodbye to the regressed teenager that lives inside my head and start becoming the grown-up parent that my kids are depending on for emotional security, happiness and wellbeing.

Tomorrow, when my wife comes home, my kids will greet their mom as survivors, mostly due to their own resilience and strength of character. For my part, I hope to learn from the events of these past two weeks and so I have decided to cook tomorrow’s welcome home family dinner … spaghetti bolognese with real meat sauce – just like “mommy’s s’ghetti” and no shortcuts this time!

The Lazy Househusband

Corporate Babe flew out of the country yesterday on a 2 week business trip. I’ve been left with the kids, who are all currently sick with the flu and on school holidays.

This is going to be my first real test as a bona fide househusband. It’s kind of like the “Survivor” series, but instead of being dropped off in an inhospitable island with a bunch of other people whose strength and talents match and complement mine, I am stuck in the middle of suburbia with three little pygmies who can easily outwit and outlast me in every conceivable way.

At the beginning of their school holidays, I laid down a firm rule – over the next two weeks while Mom is away, my kids can only request a total of three meals each at McDonald’s. Today is Day 2 of the holidays and we’ve already driven past the McDonald’s drive-thru window twice for lunch, so they only have one more Happy Meal request left.

After driving Corporate Babe to the airport yesterday, I decided we were all entitled to having the rest of the day off. On the way back home, I stopped off at the local video store and we stacked up on DVDs. After picking up our second lot of Happy Meals this week (Exacto wanted “the usual” meal and so did Destructo, even though he’s never ordered chicken nuggets before — always a hamburger with extra pickles!), we drove home and just tuned out.

We don’t have a television, only computers with built-in DVD players. The kids watched their movies on the computer in Corporate Babe’s office and I watched my selection of movies on my laptop in my office. We did manage to sneak in a little walk round the block together just before it got too dark, then sat around the dinner table waiting for the frozen pizza to cook in the oven.

After getting the kids to bed early, I then sat down at the computer, dids a little work and watched a couple more movies until 3:00 am, before going to bed. During this time, Filosofo woke up a couple of times saying he wasn’t feeling well before vomiting pizza all over the bathroom.

Today things went a little better. The kids got up early and went off to Corporate Babe’s office to watch some movies, which allowed me to sleep in until almost 9:00 am. After breakfast, we all got dressed and went off to the Shopping Mall.

We are all big fans of the “Walking With Dinosaurs” series, and I had promised the kids – Filosofo especially – that we would watch “Walking With Cavemen” during the holidays. Since none of our video rental stores had a copy available for hire, I thought we’d find it at the mall. They didn’t have “Walking With Cavemen” available at the store either, but one of the kids did spot a copy of “Walking with Monsters” (about life on Earth before the dinosaurs came along) on the shelf, so I bought that one instead.

Walking out of the store with my kids running in all different directions, I started imagining a “Walking With Children” series. I imagine this could eventually be expanded into “Walking With Blisters” and “Walking With Difficulty” also, since this is really what parents have evolved into in this modern age.

Anyway, it’s almost 7:00 pm now and I’ve got the kids in a bath before I get some dinner happening. With twelve days to go still before Corporate Babe comes home and only one McDonald’s visit left, I’m hoping no one in the audience is going to vote me off the show and send me home early.

They can’t, I just remembered, because I’m already home!

The Lazy Househusband