Feb 23 2010

The Lazy Househusband – Living On Cloud Nine

Published by at 12:54 am under Househusband

Cloud Nine

In one way or another, we are all under the weather right now.

I know this, because Filosofo, my eldest son, is studying clouds at school. His head has been in the cumulonimbus lately, and he’s filling my own poor head with so much cloudy information, I can’t even think stratus right now.

My two youngest sons have also not been well these past couple of days. Probably as a result of sudden changes in the weather, I guess.

Yesterday both stayed home from school to recover. Although they really were not well, the coughing and spluttering and snivelling and sneezing complete with torrential outpours of snot flying out of Exacto’s nose lasted all of about 38 minutes – the exact time it took them to get in the car, ride in the backseat from home to school, drop off Filosofo, get back home, wait until I opened the garage door, drove in and parked the car, get out of the car, walk up 13 steps from the garage to the main floor of the house, take another 4 steps towards my office, then turn, take another two steps towards the flat screen and stand in front of it with a DVD in their hand and an expectant look on their faces.

As I said, they really were not feeling well yesterday, but they somehow managed to spend the entire day running, jumping, chase each other around the house, do skateboard stunts on the back porch and order me about whenever they felt hungry.

Destructo woke up again today with a bad cough and so he is staying home with me. He thought he was in for a day of non-stop computer games and fun like he had yesterday with his brother, but I quickly rained on his parade when I sent him marching off to bed after we got home from dropping his brothers off at school and I made him breakfast.

The stratocumulus I cast over his head, however, quickly vanished. He completely ignored my thunderous rumblings, of course, and stormed right out of the kitchen and straight into my office, where the flatscreen and DVD player is.

As I write this, Destructo is sitting on my couch, watching movies and grinning at me like everything’s all sunshine and blue skies. Like most kids who know how to make big “goo goo” eyes and talk like only a 5-year old can when they want something, Destructo normally gets his way. He is a force of nature. His will is like a hurricane and his power is unstoppable. He sees me looking at him, my mouth opening and closing and my chest inhaling and exhaling, but my words are just blowin’ in the wind.  His eyes cloud over. He knows he’s going to get what he wants. He can see clearly now the rain has gone and I’m just an obstacle in the way. Gone are the dark clouds, baby, because he has already done his “schmoozy” little song and dance to mommy and she has given him the all clear go ahead.  When it comes to parental authority, I cast as much looming influence over my 5-year old as a midday shadow on an upright stick.

I leave Destructo to enjoy his movie and walk out of my office. Outside, Corporate Babe has set up a makeshift workstation on the landing table and is checking the weather online from her laptop, planning ahead for her flight to New Zealand, the land of the long white cloud. She is due to leave in a couple of hours and will be gone for a couple of days.

It’s tough on all of us whenever Corporate Babe has to go away on business. Oh well, you know what they say … every cloud has a silver lining. We wish her a safe journey and a speedy return.

Corporate Babe checks out the weather online every day before she leaves for work. Personally, I don’t buy into weather predictions. As far as forecasting the weather is concerned, I believe like Doris Day, that “Que Cirrus, Cirrus”.

So I make myself a cup of coffee and step outside the house to check out the weather for myself.

On reflection, it’s just as I thought. No clouds in my coffee. It’s a great day to hang up the washing.

Corporate Babe’s concerns may be right up there in the stratosphere (which Filosofo informs me is the second major layer of Earth’s atmosphere, right above the troposphere) but mine are right down here in the ‘near-and-dear-sphere’.

I am wondering whether the sun, rain, or wind is causing all of my clothes pegs to break so easily. The grass around the washing line is completely littered with little colored plastic carcasses. Maybe the pegs are just too cheap and the weather has nothing to do with it.

I then see something really disturbing, which clouds my judgement and precipitates me towards the clothing basket.

I can’t work it out. It looks like a brassiere made for just one breast. But the cup’s right in the middle.  Kind of like what you’d expect to see Mrs Cyclops wearing right on the middle of her chest. I know that Corporate Babe has been so busy since starting her new job that I haven’t seen her naked for a long time, but surely she’d tell me if something so close to her heart went missing.

I’m standing there under the clothesline, frantically turning my wife’s bra over and over in my hands trying to work out how in the heck this would fit her, when I notice that the seam in the middle of the garment has split and the padding must have slipped from one cup into the other and landed right on top of it, creating a double-layered cup right in the middle of her bra. After catching myself and looking around to make sure that none of the neighbors have been watching me get into a frenzied state over my wife’s intimate apparel, I just hung the mangled thing back on the line feeling like a complete right boob.

Weather, whether, wherever … whatever!

I rushed the kids home today after school, especially after Filosofo warned me that an approaching nimbostratus formation could end up leaving all the clothes I hung up earlier today soaking wet.

Corporate Babe is flying high above the clouds right now and the kids are getting very hungry, so it’s probably time I get my head out of the clouds and start fixing them dinner.

Tonight, I think I’ll treat the kids to one of their favorite dishes: spaghetti bolognese with ice cold lemonade and ice cream, then a movie with popcorn. We’ll all be missing Corporate Babe tonight, but at least the kids will be on cloud nine from now until bed time.

The Lazy Househusband


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