Feb 04 2010

A Lazy Househusband In Wonderland

Published by at 7:18 pm under Househusband

Rain has been pouring down around here for many days now. Corporate Babe has just started a new role working for another global IT company, the kids are back at school and I’m spending my mornings in the toilet reading “Alice In Wonderland”.

It’s completely absurd, I know. But for someone like me, being where I’m currently at, doing what I’m currently doing and going through what I’m currently going through, absurdity makes absolute perfect sense (or uncommon nonsense, as Lewis Carroll would and did say).

It even occurred to me this morning, as I was hanging a load of washing outside to dry in the middle of the pouring rain, that I’m kind of living like Alice in some ways, except that I started my adventure to Wonderland trying to chase a rabbit’s foot down a financial hole and ended up looking at my own sorry ass.

Too many business ideas of mine turned into Mad Hatter parties and time quickly slipped away. Now I’m running around going “Oh, dear! Oh, dear! I shall be too late!” and hoping that I won’t end up as a very small man drowning in a pool of my own tears.

I’m just glad that my family tolerates my absurd ways.

Like this morning, for instance.

Corporate Babe arrived home late last night from an interstate business trip and went to bed exhausted. This morning, as the kids were vying for her attention and she was coming out of the shower looking completely preoccupied with some large, complicated deal she’s got on the table, I couldn’t help myself.

I called out to her as she walked past me on her way to our bedroom to get herself dressed and ready for work.

If ….

I stopped and let the word hang there, suspended in mid-air, wishing I hadn’t.

Well? If … what?” Corporate Babe asked. Instead of going into our bedroom to get dressed, she had gone into Exacto and Destructo’s room to help them find clothes for school and was now cursing the idiot who had mixed all of their clothes together and put things in the wrong drawers.

If …

I shouldn’t have done it. Now the deck of cards was stacked against me.

Corporate Babe stopped and turned around looking royally annoyed.

If … what??” she demanded to know.

“If someone you work with has a drinking problem, does that mean they are an ‘alhocolleague’?”

I didn’t mean to say it and I didn’t say to mean it.

The Queen of my heart shot me a mean look that said “off with your head!”

She didn’t say it, but she meant it.

I had gone from King, to Joker, to fool … just like that!

“Never mind”, I said, stepping into my office, looking through the window glass at the pouring rain and then at the grisly news headlines on my computer screen. “This morning started out all rainbows and sparkles, and now it’s lighting bolts and skulls and crossbones.”

As Corporate Babe continued her tirade of all the things I had managed to stuff up around the house, I quickly got myself dressed, picked up all of the kids school bags and hurried down the stairs to the car.

Filosofo, my bookwormish eldest son was already downstairs, ensconced like a caterpillar in the little storage room next to the garage door lost in a book, perhaps tripping in his own “Wonderland”, but most likely seeking refuge from all the madness he was born into and all the mad people he was born out of.

I opened the car’s back door hurriedly and all the school bags went in throwingly.

“Run upstairs, get your brothers and let’s get out of here fast!” I said to Filosofo. “Before I get yelled out some more!”

Filosofo stopped smoking his little hookah, jumped down from his little mushroom and ran upstairs to get his brothers.

I opened the garage door, started the car and, as soon as all the boys had piled in, began reversing out of the garage ready to leave before thunder struck.

Just then, Corporate Babe appeared at the door and came striding thunderously through the garage floor towards us.

I stopped the car and stared shiveringly through the tinted glass.

She then opened the door, adjusted the kids seat belts, gave each of them a kiss and, leaning over Filosofo, motioned with her face for me to bring my own face closer to hers.

She then gave me a kiss and a loving smile and said “it’s still all rainbows and sparkles!”

With the kids all waving goodbye to their mother, I drove off grinning from ear to ear like a Cheshire cat and was soon disappeared down the street.

The Lazy Househusband



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