Sep 25 2007

Middle-Aged Househusband Confesses To Inventing Internet Lifestyle As A Toddler

Published by at 9:00 pm under Philosophy,Stay-At-Home Dad

When I was a toddler, just four or five years old, I used to dream repeatedly that I lived aboard a very powerful spaceship. The craft was shaped like the typical flying saucer we associate with a UFO. It was completely opaque from the outside, meaning that no one could look in, but I could see everything from the inside, thanks to the panoramic windows that extended across the entire control cabin. Later, I even added a feature to it that could make it invisible from the outside, so I could go anywhere I wanted and not be seen.

From my comfortable pilot’s chair, I controlled everything and could travel to any part of the Universe I wanted, by simply clicking a few buttons and issuing a few verbal commands aloud. I wore a gleaming, comfortable silver spacesuit that protected me from getting hurt and kept my body in a perfect temperature at all times.

Another thing I really liked about my spaceship was a special device surrounding the entrance of the craft which totally cleaned your body as you entered the ship. A special white light would go through your body and not only get rid of bacteria and illnesses, it would also clean out the dirt under your nails, dissolve excessive ear wax, get rid of your eye goop, snot and any food stuck in your teeth, and even eliminate all waste from your bladder and bowels. You could walk in sick and dirty, go through the special cleansing doorway and enter the ship brimming with health and feeling totally clean.

In my special flying saucer, I could do anything and go anywhere, without leaving the comfort of my pilot’s chair.

I believe, therefore, that I manifested the Internet lifestyle and created the prototypical home-based business environment. Come to think about it, I am probably also responsible for inspiring Microsoft’s “Where Do You Want To Go Today?” slogan. Look, it’s okay with me if people want to credit Tim Berners-Lee as being the father of the World Wide Web. He merely added the technical know-how required to make my blueprint work. I’ve always been an “ideas” man anyway. I don’t even own a tool set.

Today, I live in that spaceship and control everything without leaving my seat. The inside of the cabin is not quite the same as it was when I was a toddler with an unlimited imagination and an infinite budget … it kind of gravitated more towards a standard OfficeWorks desk and swivelling office chair, mostly for expediency and mainly for financial reasons. You still can’t see inside my ship, because I keep the blinds drawn, but I can see the outside from my panoramic cabin windows. Right now, for example, I can see that the lawn needs to be mowed again and that the mailman is dropping off some more bills into our mailbox. Also, invisibility is not an issue either, especially as I am rapidly approaching middle-age and the gravitational field of our planet is beginning to exert a greater influence over my body shape.

I never got the special device surrounding the entrance of the craft (the one which totally cleanses your body down to the cellular level as you enter the ship) to function correctly, though. It is allowing all kinds of messy substances to enter my control cabin, such as toys coated with sticky food remains, snack crumbs, sandy shoes, dirty socks and pooey nappies.

Also, I couldn’t find the right thermal material to create my perfect body-temperature controlled gleaming silver spacesuit with, so I’ve settled for a ceramic heater and a grey flannel tracksuit outfit. I refer to my work-at-home attire as my “comfies,” but my wife prefers to call them my “stinkies.”

Thanks to the wonder of the Internet (which I invented all those years ago as a toddler), I pretty much never have to leave my spaceship anymore. I now control everything from a laptop with wireless ADSL and can travel to any part of the Universe I want, thanks to Firefox and Google, by simply clicking a few buttons and issuing a few verbal commands aloud (like “When’s dinner going to be ready?” and “Filosofo, Exacto, Destructo … go pick up your toys right now!”)

The only thing I need to develop now, is a time-expansion unit that I can add to my spaceship’s control instruments. Regrettably, I never even considered this as being necessary or important when I was a toddler.

The Lazy Househusband

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